Top 5 Animal Kaiser Sequel Ideas

Written by Douglas Gillon

If you’re reading this, then you’re familiar with Animal Kaiser, the orgy of awesomeness that combines the dreams of every primary school boy. It’s a vending machine, an excuse for collecting cards with wicked artwork and an arena that decides all the playground (or office, we don’t judge) arguments over whose animal is tougher. Version 4 has recently been released!

But why stop with animals? I’m all for another Kaiser (game that is, not necessarily a German monarch), and to get the ball rolling, thought I would throw out some ideas for the next melting pot of ridiculous title fights. Here’s my top 5...

5) Tool Kaiser


I can already hear the critics. “Hey that’s ridiculous! Tools are supposed to work together to create, not square off in a virtual arena in aim of destroying one another!”

Well… awesomeness comes at a price, and I need to know whether or not my garden hose is tough enough to take on my neighbor’s leaf blower. That thing is loud.

Marquee Match-up: Philips versus Flathead

Dark Horse Fighter: Allen Wrench

Most Rare Card: Gas-powered Chainsaw

4) Music Kaiser


If I had ten cents for every time a musical argument descended into “Oh yeah? Well which band do you think would win in a fight?” then I probably would have tried to have a lot more musical arguments. It’s a stupid defense, but now the fallback option for every metal-head can be put to the test. Because really, who wants to argue to merits of selling out, artistic integrity, or even rhythmic complexity when you can just watch guitars, harpsichords and turntables getting flung around as violently as possible.

Marquee Match-up: Mozart versus Metallica

Dark Horse Fighter: Silver Sun Pickups (seriously, they are incredible.)

Most Rare Card: The card formerly known as Prince


3) Career Kaiser


This one has so many fun applications. Just wait when people try to judge your choice of school, job or career. Make them stand up to those accusations at Career Kaiser! Or it could be a great tool for undecided undergrads to finally settle on a major.

Marquee Match-Up: Banker versus Baker

Dark Horse Fighter: Bernie Madoff

Most Rare Card: King


2) Hairstyle Kaiser


This one has probably the best practical purpose. You could try it out just before going to the salon. Because when deciding between bangs or a feathered mullet, the important thing is not how appropriate it is for that big job interview, but whether or not it can take on all other, lesser hairstyles.

Marquee Match-up: the Flock of Seagulls versus the Politician

Dark Horse Fighter: Donald Trump's Bad Perm

Most Rare Card: Mr. T’s Mohawk


1) Vehicle Kaiser


The possibilities here are really endless. Imagine the rivalries: Cop Car versus Fire truck, Tank versus Jet Fighter, Hummer versus Hybrid. You start off with a smart car card and try to collect your way up to something that can actually take a hit. Eventually you settle on that Black Hawk Helicopter until the second round of cards comes out.

Marquee Match-up: Lamborghini Gallardo vs. Helicopter (because we need to know which one is worth the money)

Dark Horse Fighter: ’81 Delorean (especially if it’s the flying kind)

Most Rare Card: Halo Warthog